I found a box of old film scripts yesterday, leftovers from a previous life. It got me thinking… What would the script of a real mum’s life look like? Hmmmm. Well, here’s my version:
SCENE 1: ‘Would you like a snack?’
INT: UNTIDY COTTAGE – DAY.
The scene is fraught with tension.
Mummeeee. I’m hun-gerrrrr-ry!
Are you, sweetie? How was your day?
Mum knows it’s all about survival until bedtime. She glances at the clock on the kitchen wall. Her face crumples a little bit. Daddy’s on the later train tonight. She briefly considers divorcing him for it.
I want an ice cream.
Not before dinner, Emily…
(dissolves into tears as if receiving the worst new of her life)
Bread stick or cracker?
Emily stops crying immediately.
Cracker please… And please don’t forget the butter like last time.
The youngest child suddenly starts wailing. She jumps up from the sofa and starts stamping her tiny foot.
But I don’t WANT crackers or breadstick. I wanted pitta bread!
Mummy! You shouldn’t swear. I’m telling Daddy.
I want some raisins.
Mum takes an audible breath, so deep and so long it could incinerate the entire length of a cigarette (which she wishes she had right now. She considers selling one of the kids for it.)
We don’t have any raisins, Jess.
We do have some dried mango though.
Jess considers this for a moment before a triumphant smile creeps across her face.
Ok. But I want to watch Paw Patrol too.
Emily dissolves into hysterical tears again
But mummy I HATE Paw Patrol! I wanted Sofia The First… Jess always chooses.
You don’t love me anymore. You love Jess more than me!
CUT TO BLACK